‘A top secret SNP document has been leaked to this reporter showing that plans are well advanced to build an anti-submarine net across the Clyde Estuary. Like the ‘boom’ that kept out U-boats during the Second World War, it will stretch from the site of the Cloch lighthouse to an as yet unspecified location near Dunoon.
‘The budget for the project is set at £1.8 billion and we understand that funding will be provided by the Chinese National Bank. Invitations to tender will be sent out immediately after the Whitehall election and work is expected to start in 2017.
‘The boom will come into service in 2020 and a scale of fees for permitting safe passage is being discussed. We understand that Trident submarines may have to cough up a hefty one million pounds every time they go to sea!’