It was my Mum that told me the Queen didn’t pee but I should have known she was lying. After all, she’s the same one that swore there was Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. I mean, they were harmless lies when she first fed them to me but there surely should be a statute of limitations – if you haven’t figured it out by the time you’re twenty, she should be obliged by law to tell you the truth.
Back to the Corgis; if the Queen shits it’s a fair bet that the dogs will too. So what I want to know is this: does the Queen carry poo-bags in her purse or is there a flunkey trotting along behind, handing them to her like a human dispenser. I couldn’t find anything on the internet – there doesn’t seem to be anyone with a Royal warrant to supply poo-bags. Of course she might be like a few of the dog-walkers round here who don’t think that dog shit is anything to do with them. Perhaps there’s a special Lady-in-Waiting-to Pick-up-Dog-Shit.
You won’t read things like that in the Daily Mail, of course, but you would have thought it would have been headlined in the radical left-wing rags that masquerade as newspapers! Perhaps the dogs are only allowed to do their business in places like Richmond Park, a royal hunting estate where I suppose the verderer would be responsible for the pungent mess.
He might be too busy picking up after the deer to bother about dog-poo. And that gives rise to an interesting thought: why are dogs the only ones that are picked on? Plant a bulb in a well-prepared bed and you’ll dig up shallow graves of cat shit – no one cares. In Bedfordshire people used to follow horses in their cars to pick up manure and take it home with them – it’s wonderful, they say, for roses and adds a certain something to the rhubarb crop.
It will all be a thing of the past quite soon since the government has started collecting dog-poo for DNA analysis so they can trace the owners. The first councils involved are Barking and the Isle of Dogs (I made that last bit up, I think). I did a wee survey on my walk this morning and I reckon there were in excess of a hundred little brown mementoes in a distance of less than a mile either on the path or within reach of an averagely venturesome toddler.
To avoid contaminating the samples the Dog-Shit Collector will have to use sterile collection and storage equipment. We’re charged for collecting green waste in this district but I can see that councils will be rushing to spend their spare cash on sampling poo. A diligent Collector can probably accumulate four or five hundred samples on his shift. I wonder if they’ll be tested locally or if there will be contracts available for nationwide testing stations? It sounds like a job for G4S who are deep in the shit on all their existing contracts.