Ah ken ye’ll be awfy busy efter the Referendum, what wi’ soartin’ oot the currency an’ the economy an’ the like, but I wanted tae ask if ye could attend tae a few things fur me as well once ye huv the time. They’re jist wee things, ken, aboot bein’ Scots, but they’ve been buggin’ the hell oot o’ me fur years. An’ noo seems the right time tae get tae grips wi’ them.
Can Ah start off wi’ they so-called “See You, Jimmy” hats? Noo, Ah ken that lots ae folk think they’re jist guid, harmless fun, an’ you’ve probably worn wan yersel at the odd fitba’ or rugby match, but Ah happen tae believe they’re demeanin’ tae us Scots. Dae ye ever see French folk goin’ aboot in berets and stripey jerseys, wi’ strings ae onions roon’ their necks an’ shoutin’ “Zoot alors!”? Naw, Ah didnae think sae. Noo that we’re independent, we need tae stop laughin’ at ooorsels, Wee Eck. So, could you an’ Nicola pass a law or somethin’ to ban them?
An’ while youse are at it, could youse also ban kilts? Noo, Ah dinnae mean proper plaid kilts, like the Highlanders used tae wear. What Ah’m referrin’ tae is they so-called dress kilts that awbody and their dug pit oan nooadays fur weddin’s an’ Burns Suppers an’ the like. You of aw people should ken that they things are English inventions, introduced by them efter Culloden as part ae their strategy tae subjugate the Highland clans. “Ye cannae wear the plaid any mair,” they said tae the clansmen, “but if ye come an’ jine oor army ye can wear a fancy tartan kilt wi’ a muckle leather sporran an’ a bonnie wee dirkie in yer sock.” Aye, right. Is it no’ high time the whole ae that colonial regalia wis outlawed?
Talkin’ aboot outlawin’ things brings me tae ma last wee beef. See when people say “north of the border” when they mean Scotland? Can they be fined fur that from noo oan? When they say it, they dinnae realise they’re implyin’ that what lies south ae the border is mair important. They’re really sayin’ that England is superior an’ Scotland lesser. An’ that cannae be right, can it? So a fine or somethin’ similar wid deter them fae repeatin’ the phrase.
Well, Wee Eck, that’s ma list fur the time bein’. Ah’d be awfy grateful if ye could deal wi’ it – at yer convenience, natch. Ah’ll get back tae ye soon wi’ ma suggestions fur folk tae be permanently exiled fae Scotland – the obvious wans like Andrew Marr an’ Hugo Rifkind spring tae mind – but aw the best tae you an’ Nicola in the meantime.