The burglary in Irvine had maybe not just gone as he’d expected with that bird showing up in her push-up bra and panties when they were in the middle of stashing the gear but it was certainly a lucky break that she didn’t run off terrified, the only difficulty was getting out the house without her shagging both of them. Sometimes choices were hard but as she wasn’t bothered about what they were thieving, she seemed to have been stood up by her boyfriend’s uncle who had never comeback from the pub (complicated story she said), Beeny thought it was more sensible to get the stuff out the back door and make a quick getaway. He could always go back for a bit of nooky another time.
Beeny stirred, the light finally reaching far enough into his sozzled mind to make his eyelids flicker. He had no idea where he was after downing so many cans and sharing some quality grass, but it had been worth it. He stretched lazily and felt the heat from another body press against his thigh. The touch sent a pleasurable shock shooting from his groin, which ended with a grin on his face. Just what had he got up to last night? Man, his luck must have been in yesterday. Had the ‘push-up bra come home with him after all? At least he’d got his end away for once. That wasn’t to be sniffed at, a shag was shag and even if her face did have something of a young Susan Boyle with her rosy cheeks and wild hair, beggars couldn’t be choosers, as Jango was always telling him. He smiled with satisfaction as he rubbed a bit harder against the warm body.
The syrupy feeling of satisfaction was soon spoiled as Jango came battering through the door.
“Beeny, it’s after one, are you ever going to get out of your kip?” Jango stopped in his tracks. He hadn’t expected to find Beeny wit a bedfellow and he gawped as he watched him wrap his leg over and start to hump his conquest. Jango was in two minds; he could just leave his pal to get on with the biz, if that’s what he was into these days as you could never really tell with Beeny. His love life seemed to be as rare as a pie without beans, but on the other hand, temptation to really take the piss was just far too strong.
“Beeny, will you stop humping your fucking greyhound and get yourself through to the kitchen. We’ve got important business to discuss.” At the mention of his dug, Beeny froze in mid-thrust and jumped off the bed faster than a flea at the Barras, terrifying Jimbo, the lovelorn greyhound, who had been rather enjoying the heavy petting.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, what’s the dug doing in my bed? Man, I thought it was a bird, fucking fuck.” Beeny danced around on the strip of carpet between the bed and the window, causing more light to stream into the room as the curtains flapped around.
“Get your arse in gear and get down the stairs. Your love life can wait and your secret’s safe with me Beeny boy.” Jango turned away and whistled ‘You Can’t Hurry Love,’ as he considered what a bonus start to his day that little scene had been. Beeny would pay big style to keep this quiet.
His embarrassment subsided just enough to make it out of the bedroom door. Beeny slithered down the stairs followed by Jimbo, the abandoned greyhound, still hopeful that his luck might be in. Searching around in the pockets of his parka to find a smoke, Beeny could only come up with a piece of hairy chewing gum deep down in the lining. He’d never felt as hung-over in all of his eighteen years, perhaps the combination of a box of thirty-six mixed flavor test tube shots, special brew and dope had something to do with it but, after the fun of the robbery, some celebration had been called for.
“You’ve managed to get out your scratcher then Beeny Boy? I see you’ve brought your boyfriend down with you. Tell him to come in and not be shy. I need to get to know him if you and he are going to be an item.” Jango popped the top of a tube of Pringles and threw a few salty disks at the dog.
“Leave it out Jango, you know I’d never screw a dug, that’s disgustin.’ I wasn’t awake and how was I to know it was Jimbo? I thought maybe…” Beeny looked at the floor and blushed at the thought of it actually being a girl in his bed. “Ach, you know what I thought, it’s not funny.”
“That, it certainly is not, young man,” Jango kept a straight face. “Now, we’ve got more important issues to discuss the day than your lack of ‘willy’ action so take a pew and let’s get started.”