The Republic ov Shieldz
It had been a long last day at the G4 summit, Barack, Jinping, Vlad and Nicky were glad to be back at Nicky’s flat on Dean Road for the after party. They all agreed that Temple Park Leisure Centre had been an excellent venue for the Republics first summit, Vlad said the 70’s sports centre had a real sense of history about it.
-Oh aye Vlad, plenty ov history mate. You should have been there for the 2002 Temple Park 7-a-side cup final; The Ashley Pub FC Vs Stagecoach FC. Fuck me Vlad it was a five four classic. Ye would’ve loved it Barack and you’re not even a big footy fan, fucking exciting times pal a tel ye.
Nicky loved to brag about his country and its sporting achievements.
-The fight after the match was pretty good n all.
Jingping was listening but Nicky could tell he was on edge. It’d been a tough three days of negotiations and the stress had taken it out of the Chinese leader. The Shieldz representatives had spent three days demanding that he pull his troops out of Tibet, threatening to pull the deal they had signed the previous year giving China unlimited access to heavily discounted oil.
-Ye areet Jinping ya lookin a bit edgy there mate, what’s the Craic. Nicky Said.
-Am alreet Nicky ye nah me, just canny worried aboot this Tibet shit, daint nah how am ganna get this past the communist cunts back yem, them cunts would love a reason to push iz oot of the top job man.
-Daint worry aboot it mate, i’ll send JC back wi ye, he’ll have the fuckers convinced it’s the right thing to do if they’re still giving you shit he’ll sort them reet oot. If y nah what ah mean.
-Cheers Nicky yer a good lad mate, and a true friend. Jingping said relieved.
Nicky’s phone rang and he left the room and spoke to the caller for a few minutes in the kitchen. When he returned Barack looked excited.
-Was that Neil? Am fuckin dyin on a line here Nicky mate, thought you’d have it sorted by now.
- Calm it mate, have a eva let you doon in the past? Who was there for y when that Trump cunt was demanding your American birth certificate?
- Ye were Nicky.
- That’s right mate, ah telt ye the boy’s down the Woodbine were the boyos when it comes to forged documents eh. Nae cunt across the pond has a scoobie doo that they weren’t real eh. If those Republican lads fund oot ye were actually born in Kenya they would’ve hung ye oot t dry mate, ye wanna thank ya lucky stars Ritchie wasn’t busy on another job. That reminds iz ya still due iz fifty grand for that, Ritchie has been on the phone aboot it, daint make um come lookin for y. You’ll be a sorry cunt if he does. If you think it was hard gettin that Sarah Palin of ya back you’ll have to pull this radge off with a crow bar, none of those Navy Seals will be any good te ye then I can promise y that.
-Sorry Nicky al make sure a drop it off before ah head back to the states.
Vlad or Big Vlad the Inhaler as he was known in Shieldz, due in part to his large coke habit had been quiet so far, he stared at Barack intensely as he spoke, Nicky was worried, knowing Vlad was the type of lad to lose his temper, especially with an American and especially one who didn’t pay his drug debts.
-Tel ye what Barack”, Vlad said smiling. “Ya Geordie is comin on lovely like.
-Cheers Vlad mate, when in shieldz. Been practin back yem eh, I’ll be takin me exams soon, cannit wait t get that Shieldz passport, gonna take michelle n the kids on a holiday t Jarra when ah can get in without paying for a visa, might even push the boat oot and have a weekend in Hebburn if ah can afford it.
It had only taken South Shields Council six months to gain freedom from the United Kingdom once the oil was discovered. It took a little side deal with the Americans of course; South Shields was now the largest producer of oil in the world overtaking the Russians and producing fifteen million barrels per day. It was estimated that South Shields or The Republic of Shieldz as it was no known had eighty billion barrels in reserve which according to United States statistics accounted for fourteen percent of the world’s oil.
The oil had been discovered by a local resident, known to locals as The Don. Actually that’s not quite true, it was his dog Rossi who struck oil whilst burying a petrified frog in the back garden of their newly bought home on Cleadon Hill Drive, neighbours said it was the biggest dog made hole they had ever seen, The Don was annoyed because Rossi trailed black shit all over the house, that was, until he realised what the black shit really was.
After taking advice from American oil experts The Don founded The Shieldz Oil Company and bought up all the land he could with his new oil riches, striking black gold everywhere he went and making himself the richest man on the planet as he did. Within six months The Don owned all of South Shields and had helped the newly formed Independent Shieldz Council to secede from the United Kingdom. Barack and Vladimir had a word in David Cameron’s ear and convinced him that it was in his own best interests to let South Shields go. It was rumoured that after the Russians had threatened the lives of his wife and children Cameron declared that the British did not negotiate with the terrorists. So Barack took it one step further and kidnapped the person Cameron loved more than anyone else, George Gideon Oliver Osborne. Osbourne was returned to the safety of Cameron’s bosom and Shieldz was now a republic free from the tyranny of Conservatives, landed gentry, politicians, police and the corporate aristocracy.
Being the richest man and biggest land owner the new republic looked to The Don for leadership in its infancy. He quickly established a temporary working government and injected twenty billion into The Purse of The People, as the bank was now called. The Don was nothing if not generous and he wanted the public infrastructure to reflect that.
Tony and Tutty jostled for position at the bus stop, they needed to be in the first 28 people in order to get aboard the E6 bus from Park Lane bus station in Sunderland to The Nook in South Shields. They used the points of their elbows and their wide shoulders to hold back the desperate souls behind them; they’d been doing this for five years, ever since oil was discovered underneath Don’s garden on Cleadon Hill Drive, and they were good at it, they got on the bus at least six days out of seven.